I’ve done all of the right things. I’ve read all of the information about applying to graduate school that’s available online, talked to plenty of faculty members about their journey in the application process, talked to graduate students and post-docs. They’ve all told me the same thing–apply early, email prospective advisors, do well on your GREs, get strong letters of recommendation, and write one hell of an admissions essay. I’ve written my essay and had a handful of people read and edit it. I’ve updated my CV (an account of my academic history that I’m desperately trying to keep to two pages). I’ve emailed some professors, taken the GREs, and know who will be writing my rec. letters. I’ve heavily researched each school to which I want to apply and could tailor-fit my essay to each one. About the only thing I haven’t done is actually apply.

And the reason is that I’m afraid (read: terrified) of not getting in. Although, I think I’m more terrified of getting in. I have a slew of “what ifs” flying through my head. I’m so worried about my future that I haven’t even signed up for my last semester of classes. I feel like I’ve worried myself into a corner and I’m not sure how to get out. I sit down with my laptop, convinced that I will submit my applications this time. And I freeze up. I end up spending copious time on Facebook and YouTube, distracting myself from thinking about my applications, homework, etc. I would like to think that this distraction works, but it really doesn’t. I still have this internal battle of worry–this churning in my gut that obsessively reading my friends’ status updates won’t fix. Logically, I know that the only way to flush this feeling is to tackle my applications. But I’m at the point where I feel like I’ve dug myself into a hole and I can’t climb out, so I just sit there–almost afraid to move, to make a decision.

I keep thinking I never used to be this way. What has happened to me that I’ve lost my braveness? Perhaps it’s because I’m almost putting too much pressure on the situation. As in, if I don’t do this I will be stuck at home forever and that just can’t happen. Perhaps I feel like I have too much to lose. Early in my college career I would take risks, I would go for things even if I didn’t have a shot in hell of winning or succeeding. I got involved with research projects, teaching, and didn’t even consider how it would affect my career. Now, I feel like I’ve built up all of this momentum and I don’t know what to do with it, or how it will all turn out. I think it’s because I know I have potential to succeed in my field.

That leads me to Thanksgiving Break and why I love mashed potatoes. I had hoped that I would have my applications done by now. I had hoped my Thanksgiving Break would be a break–something that is so rare for me nowadays. Where is this elusive break and when can I catch one? I feel overwhelmed at school. I’m behind on my coursework (embarrassingly so) and my professors have been so forgiving because they know I’m going through application hell. I can’t help but think that if I weren’t so far behind, I would be less worried. (Begin the what ifs / worry cycle). So, I’m going to keep all of this in perspective, make lists, and try to get things done. Yes, I know Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful and to spend with your family and I plan to do all of that tomorrow. I will let myself not worry about anything while I’m eating Thanksgiving dinner (I plan to eat my weight in mashed potatoes, the ultimate comfort food).

If I can get caught-up, at least halfway between now and Monday, I will be a much happier person, a much more relaxed person. As I’m finishing up this post, I find myself feeling more peaceful and motivated. I think I’ll work on my applications.

Happy holidays, y’all!

-OM

As part of my “Be Well in 2010″ resolution, I have taken part in a “digital cleanse” via the rules of my Twitter pal John Mayer. The objectives of this cleanse were to, for one week, abstain from social networking sites (Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, etc.), to only use your computer to check email (sporadically), and to use your cell phone, for well, phone calls. For a person, such as myself, who is an avid texter and who has a phone capable for making text messaging incredibly easy, this was the hardest part!

So, I thought that I would take this opportunity to blog what did with my spare time since I wasn’t using every spare moment to surf the internet.

1) Cleaned the basement

–> This was a HUGE deal for me. In my house, the only place I hang out is my bedroom. And bedroom is quite an understatement. It’s really my bedroom/office/living room/exercise studio (hence the problem). Having a 13 x 10 space that is used for 4 different purposes can tend to make the space a bit cluttered and for a person who is insanely organized…it made me a bit, well, nutty.

The basement had been, for a long time, just a place where old exercise equipment, toys, and hand-me-downs went to die. And after the big flood of 2008, what wasn’t destroyed by water damage had been put in plastic bins on tables. And then those bins multiplied until only a small walkway remained. I began the transformation by slowly going through boxes of toys and books (I could literally open a small library with my expansive and diverse book collection), and at the end of day 1, I have made quite a dent into the mountain of stuff. By day 4, I had cleared out a space to set up my futon from college and lay down my rug. I used a sewing cabinet and a videocassette cart for endtables and plugged in some old lamps from my great-grandma’s bedroom. I was able to actually use my new space for exercise yesterday, and to just relax and watch tv without lying in my bed. That was a big issue with my bedroom being my be-all space. I was constantly either in my bed or on my floor. I studied on my bed, watched tv/played video games on my bed, slept there, etc. Now, I have a futon in my new space.  And now, I can actually have my bedroom, be a bedroom. It will still be an office for now because I can’t move my desk down here until the house gets fully waterproofed, well water-protected. After seeing the Doctor Who episode “The Waters of Mars”, not much can be fully waterproofed, but I digress.

2) Got into a car accident

–> Ok, so this isn’t a good outcome of the digital cleanse, but I’m fairly certain that this is carry-over from the debacle that was 2009 (Ok, 2009 wasn’t all bad. There were some good points, like hanging out with my sister, having an internship at Fermilab, flying to Spain and swimming in the Mediterranean Sea. But everything except that, was shitastic). My car accident was a minor fender bender. I was on my way to babysit my nephew, and then my sister told me that I didn’t have to, so instead of turning right around and go back home, I decided I would go to Myopic to shop. I was literally one exit away, I look down for one second, and BLAMO! I rear-end the car in front of me. Everyone was alright, but it wasn’t exactly the way to start the new year.

3) I caught-up on knitting, cleaning, and Doctor Who

–> I’m knitting this scarf for a friend for Christmas (yes, I’m aware of this being mid-January and Christmas being 3 weeks ago). And I really have a problem with seeing things through until the end. I’m super at starting projects, and getting them organized and working at them until I’m 3/4 of the way finished, and then I hit the wall and lose my focus to complete the task. This is another reason that cleaning up the basement and getting it nice was such a big deal. I needed to prove to myself that I am capable of seeing a project through until the end. Anywho, there was a Doctor Who marathon on BBC America and I had missed the entire 4th season (mainly because it was David Tennant’s last full season and I was kind of protesting his departure by not watching). The fourth season was the best season yet! And I watched the miniseries of Doctor Who specials and then watched the last episode where David Tennant played the doctor. I was really attached to Christopher Eccleston when he played the Doctor in Series 1, so when David Tennant came aboard, I had my doubts. But he is such an incredible actor, and it has been quite literally an honor to watch him play a character that he had watched and admired as a child. I have the same doubts for the new doctor, but I hope that he will do the role justice and bring a new perspective to the character. I look forward to see what he has to bring come this summer!

4) I learned a lot about myself

–>By disconnecting from all things interweb, I learned a lot about myself. I learned about what I could do without. I don’t need to obsessively check the social networking sites, or my email. I need to spend more time reading, less time tweeting, more time living, less time watching, and more time being active, and less time thinking about being active. I learned a bit more about who I am and what I want out of life and out of my relationships with people. I learned also that you can try your hardest to do the right thing by people, but some people will still be assholes. And that how other people react, or act, for that matter is out of my control. And as much as I would want them to see what I see, I can’t force this. They will either realize their reality or they won’t, and that’s not something I can worry about. I need to take care of myself. I’ve been putting myself on the back-burner so long for people that I had lost a big piece of my identity. I had lost the most important part of me, I didn’t know who I was anymore, or who I wanted to become. So, I put a band-aid over the gaping wound and assimilated with the crowd, instead of standing out like I usually would. I got so exhausted trying to be the person others wanted me to be, that I needed a break before I broke, myself.

Overall, I would say that my brain has been defragmented and that I should do a digital cleanse more often. I’m going to tweet less, and have my tweets and all things I say socially have more meaning and not package myself into 140 character boxes when I can be so much more.

I’ve always considered myself to be a multi-tasker. I have this vision of myself being an octopus with each tentacle performing a different task (others envision the clown juggling all of their different jobs, but that’s why this is not their blog, it’s mine). Everytime I’ve felt overwhelmed, I could handle it, I would shift things around in my life (usually putting things I need to do for my well-being, last on the list) and after a bit of a struggle, I’d complete my tasks. And thus, restoring my body from a caffeine-fueled frenzy to a healthier self, drinking jasmine tea, eating food, and oh… showering.

Something is way different about this semester. I used to find thrill in challenging myself to see how much I can handle, but I think I’ve reached beyond my limit. My classes are incredibly demanding, and so are my jobs. What I used to think was normal, has become an overwhelming burden.

I’ve had some strife with friends leaving me, family being really ill, and my love (Joan) leaving me to go back to Spain. I feel like I’ve lost that support system that was once a critical part of my life. That support system was there for me to lean on whenever I needed something, and now it’s gone. I didn’t used to be dependent on others, I used to be very self-sufficient. But I think that when you open yourself up to love and other possibilities, you lose a little of your independence…and that’s ok, it’s part of the growing process and connecting with your community.

So, initially, I did a lot of crying and brooding in my darkened bedroom. But then, I returned back to school determined to be the independent woman I once was. I slowly started to get my groove back, when my grandpa ends up in the hospital. I won’t go into details here, but I’ll say he’s very sick. And the house I just started to rebuild got a major crack in the foundation and I felt myself starting to crumble all over again.

I must confess, I tend to be a proud person. I take pride in myself that when handed full-plate, I can organize and sort and work until everything is done. I tend to be rather stubborn too. And when my body tells me “hey, um…excuse me, I need some attention here!!!”, I tend to ignore it and say I’ll get around to you later because there is a lab report I have to write, or papers to grade, or (insert bone-headed excuse here).

The obvious problem is, that if my body is not well, I’m not well, and thus, nothing I want to get done gets done. So, why do I not change my ways? Well, I guess the truthful answer is that nothing severe enough has happened to me to make me change my mind. After saying that, I’ll go back to my grandpa.

Do I really want to be that sick? Granted, he is quite a bit older than I, but the principle still remains. Do I need to get that far before I change? The answer is, I hope not. I’ll start to do good things, like waking up and doing morning yoga, or starting off my day with a smoothie instead of a carmel soy latte, or doing things outside instead of lying in my bed.

It also turns out that I am fabulous at sabbotaging myself. It’s like I feel this voice inside me say “you’re not good enough to be successful…and when you are, it was luck and you don’t deserve it.” I’m not sure where or when this voice came, but it seems to peek it’s way through the clouds of my mind about 6 weeks into a semester. I don’t know how to make it go away, but I wish that it would.

I know we all have daemons, and dark clouds which cover our sun, but this time for me, the dark clouds are kind of hovering and I need to my ny sun shine again. For this, I’m resorting to going back to basics.

Ok, so this philosophy of revamping your life such that you’re only dealing with the necessary and not the extra, isn’t new. Before the days of internet, tv, and the industrial revolution, all people had were the basics. And as such, I’m going to strip my life of the unnecessary and go back to the basics. Ok, to clarify, when I say basics, I don’t mean, drop out of school and join a commune (although I have considered it many times). What I mean by basic living is that I’m going to re-prioritize my life such that I’m at the top of the list and the other stuff falls latter. This is hard for me because my schoolwork is very important to me and I want to put it above all else. However, this path has lead me to where I am now and I can say that I’m not happy and I need to change.

This isn’t going to be an overnight process, certainly. However, by making these changes, I hope to achieve more by doing less. The first thing on my to-do list is to cleanse my body…I am in need of a serious detox! As part of this detox, I’m also going back to morning yoga. Lately, I’ve wanted to sleep instead of doing yoga and it’s because I haven’t beeing sleeping well due to my “insane” schedule and other problems. And I must admit, the one thing I do well is that I don’t sacrifice sleep for schoolwork unless I really have to. It’s important that I get my 6-8 hours every night, otherwise I’m useless in the morning.

To keep this post from going on forever. I’m just going to keep this short. Also, I feel that if I lay out all of my goals now, I won’t keep them…I need to work in stages. Therefore, stage 1: cleanse and detox my body, and put myself on top of the to-do list.

I hope you reading will consider putting yourself on the top of your to-do list, if not forever…try for an hour, or a day. Try taking 3 minutes to yourself if you don’t have the time to do more. Just 3 minutes a day can give your brain the recharge it needs to help you focus and recenter.

Close your eyes, take 3 good deep breaths, and let any thought that comes through your mind leave just as it came…

-OM

Joan and I

I just love him so much, and I know that he loves me too.  But, I can’t help but be a little worried because he is going back to Spain on the 28th of September.  I hadn’t been thinking about it, or haven’t been counting down the days, even though I know that they are approaching.  The bad thing is that he could be in Spain for as little as a week for as long as two years.  And, I’ve been convincing myself that everything will be ok, we’ll talk…and yeah, we won’t have the physical relationship, but we love each other and that’s enough, right?  I know what my life was like before he came into it, but he just makes me so happy, that living without him wouldn’t be as great as it would be with him in my life.  And, I know I have to be strong, and it’s time to work on me, get through what school I have left.  He needs to finish his PhD and do what’s best for him and when we can be together again, we will.  It’s just hard to focus when all I can think about is him leaving.  We love each other, and we’ll enjoy the time we have left while he’s here, and hopefully we’ll be together again soon.

-OM

I had that moment about 7 months ago…

Photo by: Ryan Velting

I remember I was sitting in the physics lounge at school, and out of nowhere I had this moment, where I experienced a certain clarity, and consequentially began a cursory search for my sister. The last I recall speaking to her was about 6 or 7 years prior and she was attending Columbia College, majoring in Photography. Later on that year, our parents divorced and as quickly as she blew into my life she blew away.

I was about 7 or 8 years old when our parents met, and being an only child, having someone I can play with and talk to was great for me…otherwise, I was essentially on my own to make up my own form of entertainment. I remember thinking that she was the coolest person I knew. As we got older and our parents got married, she became a teenager and got all into makeup, boys, and music…I found myself being drawn to her even more and wanting to be just like her when I grew up. When she started dating and driving, we hung out and drove places…I was in middle school at the time and I felt like “wow, this high school girl is hanging out with me, this rocks!” You see, I was pretty much a nerd and I didn’t have very many friends outside of school…I generally read a lot, played instruments, and danced (not a lot has changed, now that I think of it). I looked forward to hanging out with her, more than I did seeing my dad.

We grew so close, I told her everything about how I was feeling to what my favorite band was. To this day, memories I have with her from back then I hold so close to my heart that they bring a tear to my eye.

So I muddled through the years without her, growing and changing and getting lost on my way to wherever it is I’m going. I felt like I had no one to talk to about what I was going through…I did have lots of people to talk to, but none of them were her. No one who could get me like she did. She was gone though, and up until now, I thought she was gone forever. And she would often cross my mind, but I doubted she felt the same way…or would even give me a second glance if she saw me walking along some day.

This, brings me back to the present day.

So, I looked for her on Myspace, and I found her! I was so excited that I finally found my sister. I added her as a friend…though I wasn’t very optimistic about the whole thing because it had been so long and I figured that she had since moved on and wanted nothing to do with me. To my surprise, she was so excited to hear from me and was welcoming me back into her life with open arms. She had gotten married, had a baby, and was now doing so much with her life. She looked the same, but had blossomed into person I didn’t know. She was a stranger to me with this new life, new attitude, and new family. I am so proud of her for finding her way because she is basically amazing, but she’s different. I realized that I was going to have to get to know this new person and hope that I would love her as I loved her before.

I don’t want to forget about the times we shared before, because they mean a lot to me. But, I feel guilty trying to reminisce with her because for her, those were tough times. I want to be like “you remember the Christmas where…” or “remember that one time we did this…”, but I feel like I can’t even bring those memories up. Which, really has nothing to do with her, it’s my issue that I have to deal with. I just have the feeling that there is this wall that I have to climb over to reach her and she’s standing right in front of me. The perpetual wall wasn’t put up by her, it was put up by me because I have this fear that she’s going to just leave again, without warning, just like everyone else has in my life thus far. So, my defense mechanism is to just put up a wall…or more accurately a semipermeable membrane.

I want this membrane to go away, this barrier that’s stopping me from feeling free to express myself. It’s not like me to hold my tongue…I’m very outspoken (I get that from my mama) and if I sense something’s up, I have to say something. However, in this case, I find myself holding my tongue more than letting it fly. I think I am afraid that I’m going to offend her, or hurt her by saying how I feel. I think she might be afraid too, though. I mean, we’ve changed so much over the years, but yet we still have so much in common and live similar lifestyles and hold similar beliefs. It’s a little scary because it means that us finding each other again wasn’t an accident. It’s so surreal. I felt all scary and damaged, battered and broken, and somehow, getting to know her and her little guy again has made me feel more complete than anyone or anything has before.

Getting to know her now is such a gift and I am so thankful for it. She is definitely still the coolest person I know and I hope she knows how special she is to me. So, I’m working on being less scary and damaged because I feel like I have one more shot at this relationship with her, so I’d better make it count…I just hope that we have the time.

Happy fourth of July to everyone! It’s another day to gather with friends and family to celebrate one more year of independence in this country, one more year to pray and support and remember all of those who have sacrificed (and will continue to sacrifice) it all for sake of freedom. With all of this calamity and turmoil in the world nowadays (wildfires, storms and flooding, earthquakes, war, death, destruction) it feels good to forget about all the bad stuff and concentrate on more important things, like which brand of alcohol I’m going to drink in the beer garden at the fair, and how many fingers Uncle Hank with blow off this year because getting lit and “settin’ s**t on fire” is his idea of a good time.

It seems to me that for this one day each year, we put on our red, white, and blue knickers and don our Uncle Sam hats as if that’s what it means to be proud of our country. To me, it’s like we’re putting on a happy face and hoping we come off patriotic enough so our friends and family won’t criticize us. If we just put on one more layer of red, white, and blue…we’ll be just patriotic enough to fit-in with the rest of the crowd.

Every year this holiday gets more and more commercialized, becomes more in fashion to celebrate (don’t even get me started on Christmas), and celebrate a certain way. If we don’t have the $300 bag of fireworks, the special “4th of July” edition of beer, and go shopping on at least one of the days of the three-day sale, we’re suddenly un-American.

Personally, I love Independence Day. I love going to the fair and watching the fireworks, eating all the yummy fair-food, and driving to the beach and playing about the water. It’s just that during my, I guess you can call it my coming of age period, I’ve started to see things more simply and taken a less is more approach to celebrating holidays. I think the best way to celebrate a holiday like this is to meditate on what it truly means to you. It’s one thing to say “without those fighting for our independence and freedom, we would either not be here or be repressed in some way”. It is completely different to realize what that means. Studying the history of those countries who have limited freedoms or aren’t independent is an eye-opening experience. We kind of put ourselves in this bubble (in order to function properly day-to-day we have to) and as long as it’s not happening here, or in front of us, we are oblivious to it…except for those snip-its we see on the five o’clock news. If we could just take a few minutes to open our eyes to understand the condition of the world around us and be grateful for how great we have it here, we can really celebrate our freedom and independence because we will know what it means not to have either.

Our country is not without problems (poverty, homelessness, inadequate healthcare coverage, rising gas prices, pharmaceutical companies charging ridiculous amounts for prescriptions, etc), but today is a day we forget about the troubles in our country and we join hands and be thankful for what we do have (for those of you keeping score at home, the pros definitely outweigh the cons here).

So today, I choose to celebrate our independence by reveling in the freedoms I have. And giving thanks to those who have made it possible. And, not just the troops fighting for us, but I give thanks to my parents, my friends, and family…to those who have helped me along the way. I give thanks to those activists who stand up for what is right, and just, and fair in this country, because they understand freedom is independence and that if one of us is chained, none of us can be free.

I’m Natalie and this is my first blog! I am new at this blogging thing, but I plan on using the site to express my diverse interests. Once I get more time (I’m a chemistry/Physics major at Purdue University), you’ll quickly begin to see what I mean.

For now, I’ll just say howdy and thank you for viewing!

Cheers!

Ozone mama