According to WordPress, it’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything. I suppose I could chalk that up to being busy at school, but I’ve really forgotten about my blog. When I started this, I had high hopes of posting vegetarian recipes, and spreading the word about eco-friendly products. But recently, my focus has been elsewhere. I’m looking to graduate from college in May (two degrees and eight years later) and I’ve known since year five that I wanted to go to graduate school. I didn’t know until year six that I wanted to go to graduate school for astrophysics/high-energy physics/istillhaven’tmadeupmymind physics. My ultimate goal is to become a tenured professor of physics at some university, but that’s at least ten years away (once you factor in grad school, post-doc, and the tenure process).
I’ve done all of the right things. I’ve read all of the information about applying to graduate school that’s available online, talked to plenty of faculty members about their journey in the application process, talked to graduate students and post-docs. They’ve all told me the same thing–apply early, email prospective advisors, do well on your GREs, get strong letters of recommendation, and write one hell of an admissions essay. I’ve written my essay and had a handful of people read and edit it. I’ve updated my CV (an account of my academic history that I’m desperately trying to keep to two pages). I’ve emailed some professors, taken the GREs, and know who will be writing my rec. letters. I’ve heavily researched each school to which I want to apply and could tailor-fit my essay to each one. About the only thing I haven’t done is actually apply.
And the reason is that I’m afraid (read: terrified) of not getting in. Although, I think I’m more terrified of getting in. I have a slew of “what ifs” flying through my head. I’m so worried about my future that I haven’t even signed up for my last semester of classes. I feel like I’ve worried myself into a corner and I’m not sure how to get out. I sit down with my laptop, convinced that I will submit my applications this time. And I freeze up. I end up spending copious time on Facebook and YouTube, distracting myself from thinking about my applications, homework, etc. I would like to think that this distraction works, but it really doesn’t. I still have this internal battle of worry–this churning in my gut that obsessively reading my friends’ status updates won’t fix. Logically, I know that the only way to flush this feeling is to tackle my applications. But I’m at the point where I feel like I’ve dug myself into a hole and I can’t climb out, so I just sit there–almost afraid to move, to make a decision.
I keep thinking I never used to be this way. What has happened to me that I’ve lost my braveness? Perhaps it’s because I’m almost putting too much pressure on the situation. As in, if I don’t do this I will be stuck at home forever and that just can’t happen. Perhaps I feel like I have too much to lose. Early in my college career I would take risks, I would go for things even if I didn’t have a shot in hell of winning or succeeding. I got involved with research projects, teaching, and didn’t even consider how it would affect my career. Now, I feel like I’ve built up all of this momentum and I don’t know what to do with it, or how it will all turn out. I think it’s because I know I have potential to succeed in my field.
That leads me to Thanksgiving Break and why I love mashed potatoes. I had hoped that I would have my applications done by now. I had hoped my Thanksgiving Break would be a break–something that is so rare for me nowadays. Where is this elusive break and when can I catch one? I feel overwhelmed at school. I’m behind on my coursework (embarrassingly so) and my professors have been so forgiving because they know I’m going through application hell. I can’t help but think that if I weren’t so far behind, I would be less worried. (Begin the what ifs / worry cycle). So, I’m going to keep all of this in perspective, make lists, and try to get things done. Yes, I know Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful and to spend with your family and I plan to do all of that tomorrow. I will let myself not worry about anything while I’m eating Thanksgiving dinner (I plan to eat my weight in mashed potatoes, the ultimate comfort food).
If I can get caught-up, at least halfway between now and Monday, I will be a much happier person, a much more relaxed person. As I’m finishing up this post, I find myself feeling more peaceful and motivated. I think I’ll work on my applications.
Happy holidays, y’all!
-OM
