This semester has been an especially rough one for me. I’m trying to finish up my chemistry degree which I’ve been working on for 5 years, in addition to picking-up and completing a physics degree in 2 years. Besides my studies, I teach two labs at the university and in my spare time (ha!) try to work on my research for chemistry and neutrino physics. I have responsibilities at home and to my friends and family, and my boyfriend. And all of this crazyness in my life is stressing me out and getting my body, soul, and spirit out of alignment.
I’ve always considered myself to be a multi-tasker. I have this vision of myself being an octopus with each tentacle performing a different task (others envision the clown juggling all of their different jobs, but that’s why this is not their blog, it’s mine). Everytime I’ve felt overwhelmed, I could handle it, I would shift things around in my life (usually putting things I need to do for my well-being, last on the list) and after a bit of a struggle, I’d complete my tasks. And thus, restoring my body from a caffeine-fueled frenzy to a healthier self, drinking jasmine tea, eating food, and oh… showering.
Something is way different about this semester. I used to find thrill in challenging myself to see how much I can handle, but I think I’ve reached beyond my limit. My classes are incredibly demanding, and so are my jobs. What I used to think was normal, has become an overwhelming burden.
I’ve had some strife with friends leaving me, family being really ill, and my love (Joan) leaving me to go back to Spain. I feel like I’ve lost that support system that was once a critical part of my life. That support system was there for me to lean on whenever I needed something, and now it’s gone. I didn’t used to be dependent on others, I used to be very self-sufficient. But I think that when you open yourself up to love and other possibilities, you lose a little of your independence…and that’s ok, it’s part of the growing process and connecting with your community.
So, initially, I did a lot of crying and brooding in my darkened bedroom. But then, I returned back to school determined to be the independent woman I once was. I slowly started to get my groove back, when my grandpa ends up in the hospital. I won’t go into details here, but I’ll say he’s very sick. And the house I just started to rebuild got a major crack in the foundation and I felt myself starting to crumble all over again.
I must confess, I tend to be a proud person. I take pride in myself that when handed full-plate, I can organize and sort and work until everything is done. I tend to be rather stubborn too. And when my body tells me “hey, um…excuse me, I need some attention here!!!”, I tend to ignore it and say I’ll get around to you later because there is a lab report I have to write, or papers to grade, or (insert bone-headed excuse here).
The obvious problem is, that if my body is not well, I’m not well, and thus, nothing I want to get done gets done. So, why do I not change my ways? Well, I guess the truthful answer is that nothing severe enough has happened to me to make me change my mind. After saying that, I’ll go back to my grandpa.
Do I really want to be that sick? Granted, he is quite a bit older than I, but the principle still remains. Do I need to get that far before I change? The answer is, I hope not. I’ll start to do good things, like waking up and doing morning yoga, or starting off my day with a smoothie instead of a carmel soy latte, or doing things outside instead of lying in my bed.
It also turns out that I am fabulous at sabbotaging myself. It’s like I feel this voice inside me say “you’re not good enough to be successful…and when you are, it was luck and you don’t deserve it.” I’m not sure where or when this voice came, but it seems to peek it’s way through the clouds of my mind about 6 weeks into a semester. I don’t know how to make it go away, but I wish that it would.
I know we all have daemons, and dark clouds which cover our sun, but this time for me, the dark clouds are kind of hovering and I need to my ny sun shine again. For this, I’m resorting to going back to basics.
Ok, so this philosophy of revamping your life such that you’re only dealing with the necessary and not the extra, isn’t new. Before the days of internet, tv, and the industrial revolution, all people had were the basics. And as such, I’m going to strip my life of the unnecessary and go back to the basics. Ok, to clarify, when I say basics, I don’t mean, drop out of school and join a commune (although I have considered it many times). What I mean by basic living is that I’m going to re-prioritize my life such that I’m at the top of the list and the other stuff falls latter. This is hard for me because my schoolwork is very important to me and I want to put it above all else. However, this path has lead me to where I am now and I can say that I’m not happy and I need to change.
This isn’t going to be an overnight process, certainly. However, by making these changes, I hope to achieve more by doing less. The first thing on my to-do list is to cleanse my body…I am in need of a serious detox! As part of this detox, I’m also going back to morning yoga. Lately, I’ve wanted to sleep instead of doing yoga and it’s because I haven’t beeing sleeping well due to my “insane” schedule and other problems. And I must admit, the one thing I do well is that I don’t sacrifice sleep for schoolwork unless I really have to. It’s important that I get my 6-8 hours every night, otherwise I’m useless in the morning.
To keep this post from going on forever. I’m just going to keep this short. Also, I feel that if I lay out all of my goals now, I won’t keep them…I need to work in stages. Therefore, stage 1: cleanse and detox my body, and put myself on top of the to-do list.
I hope you reading will consider putting yourself on the top of your to-do list, if not forever…try for an hour, or a day. Try taking 3 minutes to yourself if you don’t have the time to do more. Just 3 minutes a day can give your brain the recharge it needs to help you focus and recenter.
Close your eyes, take 3 good deep breaths, and let any thought that comes through your mind leave just as it came…
-OM
