Sisters July 17, 2008

Why is it that certain songs, movies, places, or words trigger something inside you…something that strikes you so deep in the core that you can’t respond any other way than opening your eyes and say “ah ha!”?

I had that moment about 7 months ago…

Photo by: Ryan Velting

I remember I was sitting in the physics lounge at school, and out of nowhere I had this moment, where I experienced a certain clarity, and consequentially began a cursory search for my sister. The last I recall speaking to her was about 6 or 7 years prior and she was attending Columbia College, majoring in Photography. Later on that year, our parents divorced and as quickly as she blew into my life she blew away.

I was about 7 or 8 years old when our parents met, and being an only child, having someone I can play with and talk to was great for me…otherwise, I was essentially on my own to make up my own form of entertainment. I remember thinking that she was the coolest person I knew. As we got older and our parents got married, she became a teenager and got all into makeup, boys, and music…I found myself being drawn to her even more and wanting to be just like her when I grew up. When she started dating and driving, we hung out and drove places…I was in middle school at the time and I felt like “wow, this high school girl is hanging out with me, this rocks!” You see, I was pretty much a nerd and I didn’t have very many friends outside of school…I generally read a lot, played instruments, and danced (not a lot has changed, now that I think of it). I looked forward to hanging out with her, more than I did seeing my dad.

We grew so close, I told her everything about how I was feeling to what my favorite band was. To this day, memories I have with her from back then I hold so close to my heart that they bring a tear to my eye.

So I muddled through the years without her, growing and changing and getting lost on my way to wherever it is I’m going. I felt like I had no one to talk to about what I was going through…I did have lots of people to talk to, but none of them were her. No one who could get me like she did. She was gone though, and up until now, I thought she was gone forever. And she would often cross my mind, but I doubted she felt the same way…or would even give me a second glance if she saw me walking along some day.

This, brings me back to the present day.

So, I looked for her on Myspace, and I found her! I was so excited that I finally found my sister. I added her as a friend…though I wasn’t very optimistic about the whole thing because it had been so long and I figured that she had since moved on and wanted nothing to do with me. To my surprise, she was so excited to hear from me and was welcoming me back into her life with open arms. She had gotten married, had a baby, and was now doing so much with her life. She looked the same, but had blossomed into person I didn’t know. She was a stranger to me with this new life, new attitude, and new family. I am so proud of her for finding her way because she is basically amazing, but she’s different. I realized that I was going to have to get to know this new person and hope that I would love her as I loved her before.

I don’t want to forget about the times we shared before, because they mean a lot to me. But, I feel guilty trying to reminisce with her because for her, those were tough times. I want to be like “you remember the Christmas where…” or “remember that one time we did this…”, but I feel like I can’t even bring those memories up. Which, really has nothing to do with her, it’s my issue that I have to deal with. I just have the feeling that there is this wall that I have to climb over to reach her and she’s standing right in front of me. The perpetual wall wasn’t put up by her, it was put up by me because I have this fear that she’s going to just leave again, without warning, just like everyone else has in my life thus far. So, my defense mechanism is to just put up a wall…or more accurately a semipermeable membrane.

I want this membrane to go away, this barrier that’s stopping me from feeling free to express myself. It’s not like me to hold my tongue…I’m very outspoken (I get that from my mama) and if I sense something’s up, I have to say something. However, in this case, I find myself holding my tongue more than letting it fly. I think I am afraid that I’m going to offend her, or hurt her by saying how I feel. I think she might be afraid too, though. I mean, we’ve changed so much over the years, but yet we still have so much in common and live similar lifestyles and hold similar beliefs. It’s a little scary because it means that us finding each other again wasn’t an accident. It’s so surreal. I felt all scary and damaged, battered and broken, and somehow, getting to know her and her little guy again has made me feel more complete than anyone or anything has before.

Getting to know her now is such a gift and I am so thankful for it. She is definitely still the coolest person I know and I hope she knows how special she is to me. So, I’m working on being less scary and damaged because I feel like I have one more shot at this relationship with her, so I’d better make it count…I just hope that we have the time.

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